Saturday, April 30, 2005


A friend of mine would use a password for some of his accounts: ‘trustno1’. My raised eyebrow on learning this was answered with a brief homily on how he never trusts anyone, and how he is better off by not trusting even his close friends so that way he would never be disappointed in them. Hmm.. Interesting that he trusts no one, considering the fact that I learned of the ‘trustno1’ password coz he GAVE it to me!

Perhaps there are degrees of trust, I could trust someone with a password to my blog account, but would take my email password to the grave.
And there are rational reasons to trust. I would trust what my scholarly math professor would have to say about a random complex postulate, but would not care much for my English professors opinion about it, no matter how well intentioned.

Then there is faith. If I thought this English prof was the smartest man ever born, for whatever reason, I would simply have faith that would make his words supersede the more qualified and logical physics prof.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t know where I am going with this either ;). It just bothers my mind very often as to how much trust we can place in a person or how much faith to have in someone. There are those who have just stood by me without much ado, and I have no motive to distrust them.. in fact the issue of faith and trust have never really arisen. To the others, who have received my unwavering faith, no questions asked, but have changed colors at the most inopportune moment, I must say: ‘Thank you, you have taught me well. You can even have your knife back now, let me just turn around and you can yank it out from my back… just where you left it.’

For now, I shall just remain myself, gullible as ever, till my scars wake me up.. every time.

Trust (tr st):
Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Faith (f th)
Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Silent Scream

Up at sunrise, I don my daily garb
Pick that coat, pull up these shoes
And slip on my cheery face..

Through the daily grind I grin
Nary a frown, no wrinkle of worry
The mask maintains is façade of bliss

Your thoughts nag you, my ears are yours
You lie enervated, I lend you my shoulder
The world engulfs you, but I am your rock
Is that a tear? My sleeve shall wipe it

At dusk I’m weary, my face is as stoic
As I peel it off, my drained emotions erupt
I lie down alone, a silent scream rings out
Why do you presume, with no thought after
A listener, a crutch, a rock, I may be
So all I get are the rants, the questions, the anguish?

Unwrap me and touch me, my second skin contorts
I take it all into my abyss, but where do I vent?
At last it has worn me, slowly I drift away
To waken the next morn, and slip on my face..

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I stole my own words!

Oh, I have innumerable thoughts, nearly all of them outstanding, I assure you! They come to me as I toss in bed, as I battle a throng of automobiles to and from work, as I focus hard on a scribbled sketch in my book to keep from dozing off in those interminable meetings, and the best of them come to me as I mechanically go through the motions of my morning ablutions. ;)
But when I sit my butt down to put all those words flitting through my head on to this blog.. I draw a blank! It never fails!
But I’m a smart ass, no no.. I mean metaphorically too, so I’ve been busy commenting on other blogs all this while. Yup, I fooled the system. And now, I’m just going to plug in all those snippets in here (Thank you ideasmithy, I owe you rent for these comments from your blog ;).
Disjointed, haphazard, they did make sense where they came from, but now they are just random rants..


Voilence erupts from your wrath,

Destruction ensues from your ire
Dare I speak this to the face of your fury,
Incensed you are, you enrapture me still


Who are you? What question do you answer?

Hard I stare, yet the clouds yield no face for me,
I touch my shoulder, and I clasp emptiness
No wings nor hooves, not even an entity
Alas, I am to break my own silence
And crave for an echo as I scream,
Who are you?


You look on as they slip away,

With sadness in your eyes, a frown on your brow,
A bewildered pain on your face.

As doors they slam, they drown the sound
Of the nervous knock behind you
Why stare despondent at the exit?

Whirl around just once, and open your doors to me
Never again, I promise, will you see another leave


Monday, April 25, 2005

This Foggy Mornin..

Its blue, its cold, I’m wretched, and alone.
The knocking.. where is that from? Ah! My knees! No wait.. my teeth?
What lunacy drove me to the brink of this I have no idea, but I have come this far and I will not turn back.. I think..
No, it can be done, it has been done, it will be done. Now.
And so I fill my lungs with air, and leap through the wind. As my arms slice through the water, my breath gushes out and I wonder if I will ever get used to swimming at daybreak.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Moon Shine

It’s a full moon today, couldn’t help but pull out my camera and try once again to capture in pixels all that my eye can see. As always, in vain.

Dark winter skies, lucid as crystal streams
Ensnare my gaze to an obscure world beyond
A flame in me seeks out the full moon
And guides me through infinity, into the abyss of thoughts

It never ceases to fascinate me, the full moon...

Thursday, April 21, 2005

What am I doing here?

BLOGGING? I have never even maintained my own diary or journal! What drove me to this? Granted, I’ve been meddling with anything the tech-heads in the world of computers would consider cool, which maybe makes me a geek.. that’s no bad thing. I’ve never been an early adapter of any novel gadget, fad or habit that hits the market – I built my first computer years after I opened my first computer theory book, played my first video game aeons after my ilk crowed about how they ran amok through all levels of Doom & Mario, and I don’t yet own an iPod!

Blogging has knocked on my doors before. But ME? Write? Express myself? Open up to the cruel cruel world? NEVER.. I thought. But the convenience of the internet also made way for the anonymity of the web world, and it’s so calming to cling on to fictional security blankets.A little.. or more than a little.. prodding helped, and I say why not!? I’m no author, I’m no bard. But this is no novel, no work of art. Rambling, Raving, Ranting, Venting. I can do this!

If your blog has the banal name of 'SoleSearch' the first post has got to be titled 'First Post'

Little doubt that this post is taking shape only to test blogspots' claims that posts can actually be deleted. But after a sudden whiff of inspiration shoved me to actually create a blog at long last, the least I should do is throw in a few words so my SoleSearch would never really be a void.