AmeN

Till Death......



.......Do Me Apart

Child's Play

The ball lies unmoving on sand, resisting the low wind
The bicycle rests beside the tangled swing
Last look at fading twilight, beyond now empty ground

I was there with them all, squealing just as hard
Grasping at the ball, while all others did
Waiting for the swing, while the ball lay still

With all now gone, taking cue from the sun
Will they talk of me? Did they see me play?
When I ran away, did they want me to stay?

Alone again, or was it so always?
Did they say goodbye? Was my wave just wasted?
As I lay down to rest, I cannot help but wonder
If I do not wake from my rest, would they feel my absence?
Is it as they claim? Is it all just child’s play?

Sand

What use are doors
With no walls around
None locked in
None held off

Memories are held
For things that are past
Answers delivered
When questions are asked

If what you hold is unbreakable
Then break, it will not
If what I hold is invisible
Then exists, it does not

Foolish are these footprints
That meandered too far
Marred the fine sand
Split the shores in half

Shackled

Shattered my daze, the gavel was struck
Scattered Convictions, aspirations undone
Gasp of a windowless cage, the door has been shut
Incredulous denial, is it not me who has won?

I lash out at a fate of my own doing
Bound to my destiny, by my own chain
I am my own judge, my scruples, my jury
Why do I still play this losing game?

The shackles that sometimes hold me are there because I put them there.
I want them. I question them. I hate them. I need them.
There is a reason why everything is where it is.
Or maybe I shall never step out of my bubble.

Phases of life when I am more contemplative than frivolous, so often brought on by pleasant but painful triggers, have me hunting for the spirits that torment my soul.
None fully understands the workings of another’s mind, another’s life. And yet we nod - Do you understand? Yes I do.
The ordered anarchy continues…

First Tag

This would seem like the blog of an online recluse. Wide gaps of nothing - then I abruptly surface for a gasp of my virtual self, and sink back into the drudgery of the real world.
This time I’ve been hooked and reeled up, by the same bait that dragged me out the very first time, the always wicked, Ideasmith.
So I guess I’ve been tagged now. I may be the constantly morbid, heterodox, loner.. but I’ll be a sport for now. I’ll play.

So here are the rules that were specified:

- The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
- You need to mention the sex of the target.
- Tag 8 victims to join this game and leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
- If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Not my cuppa tea, this game. But what the hell!

There is no prioritizing of my eight points, which is why I will start with this one:

1. Crazy – Yup! A little bit of that element in a person goes a long way in going through long years without letting cobwebs encroach the routine of our daily lives. She has to be crazy like me. She has to be crazy enough to like me.
2. Sane – Contradiction? I think not! I did mention ‘a little bit’ of craziness would be great, but ONLY if it was the icing on a sane and logical mind. Quite surely not the other way around.
3. Witty – She does not have to dole out jokes by the hour, or be one of the three stooges all through the day. She should at least comprehend my dry sarcasm and my juvenile antics and not gape with the sound of crickets echoing all around. Indeed, my life would be a breeze with an audience of one, if it’s the one.
4. Independent – For lack of a better word. She should be able to carry her world on her own shoulders. When I know she can, I will bear all her burdens that she will let me bear, knowing I can rest when I need to.
5. Attractive – Sure.. I’m shallow! But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you love someone, even their most unsightly defects are their most attractive traits to your eyes. Yet, I would find it much harder to respect someone who does not take care of her own body. To me, it says a lot about her attitude, drive and discipline.
6. Respect – There is nothing that can make a relationship last as long as mutual respect can. And that respect will have to be earned, by both of us, everyday.
7. Chemistry – Not the short-lived kind (the kind I have about every five minutes on a hot summer day on the beach). The kind of chemistry that has us acting like teenagers sneaking out clandestinely, outlasting the seven year itch, the mid-life crisis, and being able to chuckle about it when we’re old and grey. The kind of passion and intensity that make those sparks into a blaze ;).
8. Love – Unconditional enough to forgive my minor transgressions (as long as I make up, and make out;)), and conditional enough to not tolerate repeating the bigger blunders. And enough of it to last a lifetime, and then some.

All this I would expect, only because all this is what I can give. Oh yeah, if you haven't noticed yet, this would be a girl.

Being a hermit has left me with far fewer than eight bloggers who I would know well enough to pass this off to. I shall live up to my reputation and bend the rules a little. So this is what I will do - I will tag one of the few faithfuls to comment on my posts, and the tag of eight can go on from there.

Here you go, you’ve been tagged!

Pleasure Of Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

Sometimes.. words of a stranger strike you with gusto, and give clarity to the thought that has run circles in your own mind ceaselessly like the slender hand of a clock.

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

With every passing line, revealing in its wake a sense of wonderment at how another soul has already trudged through the swamps of quicksand you now tiptoe on.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

lyrics of hope, love, joy and peace abound in what I hear daily, giving me an occasional smile.. a reason to tap a foot or hum the tune even.

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

And buried in the countless tunes that lap at my ears everyday, an occasional tune rings out, that hushes the din around me.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Yes that is me. Not my voice, alas. But that is me. My smiling faces, eager pleasantries.. they stand suspended. Soaking in the soulful melodies and grasping at every word like I would otherwise lose them.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Yes, I AM still here. The distress, the violence, I take whatever it has to give, and at last, my own face smiles.. a joy unknown to all but me.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

From the plaintive baritone of Johnny Cash to the ferocious rendering of NIN, I heard, I knew, I understood.

So many aspects of life – human or non human, have egged me on at my worst, and reveled with me at my best. The somber mood through most of my posts do not reflect how I am outside the blogworld, but they have only helped me live the way I do.

Debugged

Another lengthy pause…………

It has been a while. The last time I wrote these same words, my post was titled Change @ Work, and I ranted about the turmoil and uncertainty at my place of work and the complete state of disarray it had thrown my mind into. I had ended that post with a remark that I need to quit whining and act on it.

I did. Finally.

There have been many times in life I have found myself in whatever hole I would have dug myself into, or inadvertently stepped into, and I would claw my way up and out of it. But over time, there have been a few situations I have come across where I have hit a wall.

I always wondered why I could ‘solve’ every problem thrown my way if I steeled my will to do it, but these few left me vexed. Worse still, those few were the ones that mattered. But perhaps everything has a solution, but maybe some resolutions just don’t seem like a solution, or are simply not what was desired.

For now, I have made some alterations - hoping a drastic change of jobs, locations, routines, and daily faces would somehow disentangle those other lumpy knots in my life.

Midas

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.

Tool - Sober

Cursed is my touch, the very air around me
I am Midas, but with ash for gold
Smother in my embrace, burn in my passion

I adore, I envelop, I devour.. I lose

All that I touch, deeper than I should
Turn to ashes that crumble in my arms
And scatter over my leaden soul

Free Falling

Ceaseless breeze dishevels my hair
Shriek of the wind ringing in my ears
Unseeing, it’s all so blissful

As my eyelids flutter open
Against an inexorable thrust
They stare out in the darkness

I am falling, for what seems like eternity
How much farther, till the earth stops me cold

When did this happen?
Even the ledge I tipped over
Is but an elusive memory

Not just another descent
In the surge and ebb
That had been my life

I am falling, away from the absurdity
My eyes close, shut out the uncertainty

..It’s all so blissful again..

Asphyx

Ensconced in a constricting sac
Muted voices, swathed in placenta
Night and day, months on end
I was snug and secure
.
.
.
.
Limbs stretched out, in a six foot box
Arms crossed over, six feet under
Night and day, eons on end
I will be restful, contented

. . . .

............As I live and breathe, under open skies
............No restricting grasp, no confining walls
............I asphyxiate with every second that passes
............So vulnerable… So bare…

?

‘tis one of those times, in a roller-coaster life
When more lines end with this dreaded hood
Than with the inevitability of the unfeeling dot.

Why? What? When? Where? ....... Why?
I do not demand the answers, even lies,
For all I see in your eyes, are questions too.

Cursed

The pangs of lessons past
Have never abated since
Yet I delve deeper still
Farther than I ever must have gone
Beyond what you should have let me

The blood is not just your own
The weapon, a double-edged sword
I’d rather be alone than lonely,
I’d rather be lonely than pained
Pained by the remorse, the guilt, the misery

Cursed is my ardor, Let me not in you
I hold you closer, and deepen your wound

Quandary

I see the shimmering light, a silver lining on the dark cloud
Or is that the cloud, smothering away the last sunbeams
The tunnel is long and dark, at least I see the light at the end
Or is that the dazzling beam, atop an oncoming freight train
I always say the cup is half full, never deemed it half empty
Does it matter at all, when the cup itself is obscured?

I am no cynic, but am I an optimist?
I claim I am a realist…and yet I pen odes to life’s idiosyncrasies
This labyrinth I live in, I often know not what to make of the signs
Sometimes a step ahead, sometimes a step retraced
Perhaps I know what I am doing, my feet steadfastly on the ground
But then, my mind drifts in the clouds, unsure – but blissful

Be my silver lining, my light in darkness, my cup of hope
And reality, virtuality… nothing would matter anymore

Change@Work.com

Another lengthy pause………………………

It’s been a while, and I’ve been reflecting on nothing and everything all this time. A penny for my thoughts? No… Really… I could use a penny for each of my thoughts, a foolproof get-rich-quick scheme if there was such a thing.

I have alternately been busy working, and busy not working. The thoughts in my head are too numerous and anarchic to leave any room for assimilation into a single thread that would flow into this blog. Even now, as is apparent by the directionless wandering of this post! But work has been eventful. A long time colleague left the company last week, my boss leaves in two weeks, my buddies are switching groups and some even leaving the country – almost each one for a better deal - a better life even.

After an extended lull over the last few years, a little storm is brewing in this teacup.. and change seems to be the new mantra. All have had their reasons to stick to their stations despite the adversities, reasons that were insurmountable till recently. Someone called the period before now ‘Indentured Servitude’. Hmmm…

After all the toil in the last few years, unending work hours, shrugging off mockery that I pay rent for an apartment I rarely visit, I finally clear the cobwebs and dust off the mothballs from my antiquated resume, and I can’t think of what to add. Oh yeah, all that work I did, it might get me where I want to be. What else did I do? Sometimes this pasted smile wavers a little, and all my incredibly lame jokes and pranks at work that elicit laughter out of commiseration rather than hilarity, seem to run dry.

Maybe it IS time for change, perhaps even drastic change. I have been supremely proud and passionate of my work, but lately that drive in me feels like a plastic bag is pulled over it and its gasping for air. I dived in to the rat race with all my vigor, but sometimes I have felt like a hamster in its wheel instead, running, and running.. and not going anywhere. It has definitely not been all bad, and in fact has been quite a cultivating experience. I’ve never waited for the light to come on before, so maybe its time again for me to get up and turn on that light.

I could still use that penny though!

Life Askew

As I brood, I heave a sigh
Constantly wonder.. Why?
A life that has never lived a lie
Abruptly goes disturbed and awry
Every nerve is on a high
Feelings, thoughts.. I untie
Emotions, can they ever run dry?
Pause it, and I could cry
Stop it, and I would die

Save me..
No.. Let me be..