SoleSearch

AmeN

2008-02-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

Till Death......

.......Do Me Apart

Child's Play

2006-04-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

The ball lies unmoving on sand, resisting the low wind
The bicycle rests beside the tangled swing
Last look at fading twilight, beyond now empty ground

I was there with them all, squealing just as hard
Grasping at the ball, while all others did
Waiting for the swing, while the ball lay still

With all now gone, taking cue from the sun
Will they talk of me? Did they see me play?
When I ran away, did they want me to stay?

Alone again, or was it so always?
Did they say goodbye? Was my wave just wasted?
As I lay down to rest, I cannot help but wonder
If I do not wake from my rest, would they feel my absence?
Is it as they claim? Is it all just child’s play?

Sand

2006-04-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

What use are doors
With no walls around
None locked in
None held off

Memories are held
For things that are past
Answers delivered
When questions are asked

If what you hold is unbreakable
Then break, it will not
If what I hold is invisible
Then exists, it does not

Foolish are these footprints
That meandered too far
Marred the fine sand
Split the shores in half

Shackled

2006-04-02T03:34:00.000-07:00

Shattered my daze, the gavel was struck
Scattered Convictions, aspirations undone
Gasp of a windowless cage, the door has been shut
Incredulous denial, is it not me who has won?

I lash out at a fate of my own doing
Bound to my destiny, by my own chain
I am my own judge, my scruples, my jury
Why do I still play this losing game?

The shackles that sometimes hold me are there because I put them there.
I want them. I question them. I hate them. I need them.
There is a reason why everything is where it is.
Or maybe I shall never step out of my bubble.

Phases of life when I am more contemplative than frivolous, so often brought on by pleasant but painful triggers, have me hunting for the spirits that torment my soul.
None fully understands the workings of another’s mind, another’s life. And yet we nod - Do you understand? Yes I do.
The ordered anarchy continues…

First Tag

2006-02-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

This would seem like the blog of an online recluse. Wide gaps of nothing - then I abruptly surface for a gasp of my virtual self, and sink back into the drudgery of the real world.
This time I’ve been hooked and reeled up, by the same bait that dragged me out the very first time, the always wicked, Ideasmith.
So I guess I’ve been tagged now. I may be the constantly morbid, heterodox, loner.. but I’ll be a sport for now. I’ll play.

So here are the rules that were specified:

- The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
- You need to mention the sex of the target.
- Tag 8 victims to join this game and leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
- If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Not my cuppa tea, this game. But what the hell!

There is no prioritizing of my eight points, which is why I will start with this one:

1. Crazy – Yup! A little bit of that element in a person goes a long way in going through long years without letting cobwebs encroach the routine of our daily lives. She has to be crazy like me. She has to be crazy enough to like me.
2. Sane – Contradiction? I think not! I did mention ‘a little bit’ of craziness would be great, but ONLY if it was the icing on a sane and logical mind. Quite surely not the other way around.
3. Witty – She does not have to dole out jokes by the hour, or be one of the three stooges all through the day. She should at least comprehend my dry sarcasm and my juvenile antics and not gape with the sound of crickets echoing all around. Indeed, my life would be a breeze with an audience of one, if it’s the one.
4. Independent – For lack of a better word. She should be able to carry her world on her own shoulders. When I know she can, I will bear all her burdens that she will let me bear, knowing I can rest when I need to.
5. Attractive – Sure.. I’m shallow! But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you love someone, even their most unsightly defects are their most attractive traits to your eyes. Yet, I would find it much harder to respect someone who does not take care of her own body. To me, it says a lot about her attitude, drive and discipline.
6. Respect – There is nothing that can make a relationship last as long as mutual respect can. And that respect will have to be earned, by both of us, everyday.
7. Chemistry – Not the short-lived kind (the kind I have about every five minutes on a hot summer day on the beach). The kind of chemistry that has us acting like teenagers sneaking out clandestinely, outlasting the seven year itch, the mid-life crisis, and being able to chuckle about it when we’re old and grey. The kind of passion and intensity that make those sparks into a blaze ;).
8. Love – Unconditional enough to forgive my minor transgressions (as long as I make up, and make out;)), and conditional enough to not tolerate repeating the bigger blunders. And enough of it to last a lifetime, and then some.

All this I would expect, only because all this is what I can give. Oh yeah, if you haven't noticed yet, this would be a girl.

Being a hermit has left me with far fewer than eight bloggers who I would know well enough to pass this off to. I shall live up to my reputation and bend the rules a little. So this is what I will do - I will tag one of the few faithfuls to comment on my posts, and the tag of eight can go on from there.

Here you go, you’ve been tagged!

Pleasure Of Hurt

2006-01-12T17:10:00.000-08:00

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

Sometimes.. words of a stranger strike you with gusto, and give clarity to the thought that has run circles in your own mind ceaselessly like the slender hand of a clock.

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

With every passing line, revealing in its wake a sense of wonderment at how another soul has already trudged through the swamps of quicksand you now tiptoe on.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

lyrics of hope, love, joy and peace abound in what I hear daily, giving me an occasional smile.. a reason to tap a foot or hum the tune even.

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

And buried in the countless tunes that lap at my ears everyday, an occasional tune rings out, that hushes the din around me.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Yes that is me. Not my voice, alas. But that is me. My smiling faces, eager pleasantries.. they stand suspended. Soaking in the soulful melodies and grasping at every word like I would otherwise lose them.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Yes, I AM still here. The distress, the violence, I take whatever it has to give, and at last, my own face smiles.. a joy unknown to all but me.

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

From the plaintive baritone of Johnny Cash to the ferocious rendering of NIN, I heard, I knew, I understood.

So many aspects of life – human or non human, have egged me on at my worst, and reveled with me at my best. The somber mood through most of my posts do not reflect how I am outside the blogworld, but they have only helped me live the way I do.

Debugged

2005-12-11T00:21:00.000-08:00

Another lengthy pause…………

It has been a while. The last time I wrote these same words, my post was titled Change @ Work, and I ranted about the turmoil and uncertainty at my place of work and the complete state of disarray it had thrown my mind into. I had ended that post with a remark that I need to quit whining and act on it.

I did. Finally.

There have been many times in life I have found myself in whatever hole I would have dug myself into, or inadvertently stepped into, and I would claw my way up and out of it. But over time, there have been a few situations I have come across where I have hit a wall.

I always wondered why I could ‘solve’ every problem thrown my way if I steeled my will to do it, but these few left me vexed. Worse still, those few were the ones that mattered. But perhaps everything has a solution, but maybe some resolutions just don’t seem like a solution, or are simply not what was desired.

For now, I have made some alterations - hoping a drastic change of jobs, locations, routines, and daily faces would somehow disentangle those other lumpy knots in my life.

Midas

2005-09-28T00:08:00.000-07:00

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.

Tool - Sober

Cursed is my touch, the very air around me
I am Midas, but with ash for gold
Smother in my embrace, burn in my passion

I adore, I envelop, I devour.. I lose

All that I touch, deeper than I should
Turn to ashes that crumble in my arms
And scatter over my leaden soul

Free Falling

2005-08-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Ceaseless breeze dishevels my hair
Shriek of the wind ringing in my ears
Unseeing, it’s all so blissful

As my eyelids flutter open
Against an inexorable thrust
They stare out in the darkness

I am falling, for what seems like eternity
How much farther, till the earth stops me cold

When did this happen?
Even the ledge I tipped over
Is but an elusive memory

Not just another descent
In the surge and ebb
That had been my life

I am falling, away from the absurdity
My eyes close, shut out the uncertainty

..It’s all so blissful again..

Asphyx

2005-08-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

Ensconced in a constricting sac
Muted voices, swathed in placenta
Night and day, months on end
I was snug and secure
.
.
.
.
Limbs stretched out, in a six foot box
Arms crossed over, six feet under
Night and day, eons on end
I will be restful, contented

. . . .

............As I live and breathe, under open skies
............No restricting grasp, no confining walls
............I asphyxiate with every second that passes
............So vulnerable… So bare…

?

2005-07-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

‘tis one of those times, in a roller-coaster life
When more lines end with this dreaded hood
Than with the inevitability of the unfeeling dot.

Why? What? When? Where? ....... Why?
I do not demand the answers, even lies,
For all I see in your eyes, are questions too.

Cursed

2005-07-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

The pangs of lessons past
Have never abated since
Yet I delve deeper still
Farther than I ever must have gone
Beyond what you should have let me

The blood is not just your own
The weapon, a double-edged sword
I’d rather be alone than lonely,
I’d rather be lonely than pained
Pained by the remorse, the guilt, the misery

Cursed is my ardor, Let me not in you
I hold you closer, and deepen your wound

Quandary

2005-06-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

I see the shimmering light, a silver lining on the dark cloud
Or is that the cloud, smothering away the last sunbeams
The tunnel is long and dark, at least I see the light at the end
Or is that the dazzling beam, atop an oncoming freight train
I always say the cup is half full, never deemed it half empty
Does it matter at all, when the cup itself is obscured?

I am no cynic, but am I an optimist?
I claim I am a realist…and yet I pen odes to life’s idiosyncrasies
This labyrinth I live in, I often know not what to make of the signs
Sometimes a step ahead, sometimes a step retraced
Perhaps I know what I am doing, my feet steadfastly on the ground
But then, my mind drifts in the clouds, unsure – but blissful

Be my silver lining, my light in darkness, my cup of hope
And reality, virtuality… nothing would matter anymore

Change@Work.com

2005-06-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

Another lengthy pause………………………

It’s been a while, and I’ve been reflecting on nothing and everything all this time. A penny for my thoughts? No… Really… I could use a penny for each of my thoughts, a foolproof get-rich-quick scheme if there was such a thing.

I have alternately been busy working, and busy not working. The thoughts in my head are too numerous and anarchic to leave any room for assimilation into a single thread that would flow into this blog. Even now, as is apparent by the directionless wandering of this post! But work has been eventful. A long time colleague left the company last week, my boss leaves in two weeks, my buddies are switching groups and some even leaving the country – almost each one for a better deal - a better life even.

After an extended lull over the last few years, a little storm is brewing in this teacup.. and change seems to be the new mantra. All have had their reasons to stick to their stations despite the adversities, reasons that were insurmountable till recently. Someone called the period before now ‘Indentured Servitude’. Hmmm…

After all the toil in the last few years, unending work hours, shrugging off mockery that I pay rent for an apartment I rarely visit, I finally clear the cobwebs and dust off the mothballs from my antiquated resume, and I can’t think of what to add. Oh yeah, all that work I did, it might get me where I want to be. What else did I do? Sometimes this pasted smile wavers a little, and all my incredibly lame jokes and pranks at work that elicit laughter out of commiseration rather than hilarity, seem to run dry.

Maybe it IS time for change, perhaps even drastic change. I have been supremely proud and passionate of my work, but lately that drive in me feels like a plastic bag is pulled over it and its gasping for air. I dived in to the rat race with all my vigor, but sometimes I have felt like a hamster in its wheel instead, running, and running.. and not going anywhere. It has definitely not been all bad, and in fact has been quite a cultivating experience. I’ve never waited for the light to come on before, so maybe its time again for me to get up and turn on that light.

I could still use that penny though!

Life Askew

2005-06-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

As I brood, I heave a sigh
Constantly wonder.. Why?
A life that has never lived a lie
Abruptly goes disturbed and awry
Every nerve is on a high
Feelings, thoughts.. I untie
Emotions, can they ever run dry?
Pause it, and I could cry
Stop it, and I would die

Save me..
No.. Let me be..

Over, It Is

2005-05-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

It is the end of an epoch, a saga nearly as old as me. I watched the final Star Wars.. the way it should be watched - waiting in line with costumed diehards, celebrating the run up to the movie raucously till the opening credits at 12:01 hushed the halls into abrupt silence. Yes I’m a fan, and I stood by Star Wars through two lackluster episodes. And I have come out feeling somewhat redeemed; so what if I went in determined to love the movie!

It’s always quite an experience, going in to watch the premiere of any Star Wars, the lengths that some fans go to with the costumes is quite commendable. They willingly pose for some quick pictures, do their best impressions for the video cameras, and some of them even break into impressive saber fights with their light sabers.

I will not dwell on the philosophies that I have often contemplated about the Jedi, the Siths, the motivation of the characters and all the stories lost to the ones who have only followed the movie and not much more. Nor would I launch into a movie review, twisting thumbs up or down. I just had to express this bizarre sense of contentment I’m feeling, like one has after a particularly gratifying feast.

Oh yeah.. here comes the cliché –
May The Force Be With You

Some sights from the première:

Mighty Earth, Mystic Ocean

2005-05-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

As the blazing sun surrenders to the faint glow of the moon
The mighty earth caresses the slumbering numinous ocean
Waves lapping its shores, like the blissful breathing of the cherub
What would I be but barren soil without your fluid touch, he wonders
Where will I rest my weary head without your solid shoulders, she dreams
The desert sands crave the oasis, water poured takes the shape of its urn
Morning rays streak through, awaken the sleeping terror, stir the placid giant
The dance of the elements begins again; will the earth survive another day?

Strife

2005-05-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

Atop the clouds, I gaze down
The wreck that is your mortal world
Lifting mists lay bare the ashes
Of a humanity pillaged and torn

Reap the effects of your own folly
Pay the price of your blindness
Pitting man against brother,
Till neither is left to cross swords

Mistrust, hatred, revenge, war
There’s never a basis, never a purpose
I was blind when I was in it
My bleeding eyes are open now
alas, too late..

So long as there are men there will be wars
~Albert Einstein

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.
~John F. Kennedy, 1961

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
~Bertrand Russell

Men are at war with each other because each man is at war with himself.
~Francis Meehan

Reading the paper on a hectic Wednesday morning, Watching TV on a leisurely Sunday evening, surfing the web in a mid-Monday break, even a casual discussion around the office cooler… its just depressing news everywhere! Wars, death.. well, I guess it just got to me - again, hence the war rants above..

Influences

2005-05-13T00:47:00.000-07:00

Every single being that wafts through our lives leaves some fraction of them in us. It could be in any form or shape. It could be tangible, like an oft-used phrase you picked up, or maybe something more nebulous, like a subconscious affinity to a color that the other person had also. Little things – arranging your shoes in some order; overwhelming transformations – your approach to some problems life throws at you. So many of these are traits and habits we pulled out from someone in our life at some point, willfully, or inadvertently.

Some insightful words from a pensive smith, (Danke, Idea-Smithy) greased my rusty brain a little. If we could be dissolving into the universe, giving morsels of ourselves to every part of it, then what is this universe? Is it just us? Are we this black hole that takes in fragments of all who fall in, just to enhance ourselves? And in turn we fall in and give back to this universe again. Maybe so, but with the good and the bad specks that we pick up in life, if we don’t sift through it and discard enough of the rancid portions, we only spread it through the universe again.

Clear water, devoid of color,
Red, black, white and life
Every plunge the brush would make,
Emotions, illusions, a touch of strife
But what is this life, without all that…

Empty Spaces

2005-05-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

What shall we use
To fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk
How shall I fill the final places
How shall I complete the wall

-- Pink Floyd

I egg them on, my creative juices..
The flow is stemmed, despite my ruses
Unabashedly I thieve, apologies, Roger Waters
You’ve already explicated, my minds fumbled phrases...

As I vent these melancholy thoughts
my mind clears, I see some bright spots
I’m not one to bring you down
What I’d not give, for a smile to wipe away that frown

Life, Humanity

2005-05-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
-- Mark Twain

This is, after all, my vent.

War Of Two Worlds

2005-05-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

I’m stranded. There are many exits in sight, on either side.. but they are ALL the wrong ones. If I resolved to take one of them, no matter how pragmatic it seemed to my normally staid and calculating mind, there would crop up a series of reasons, many of which a level headed soul would term impracticable. But hey, I can reason with my mind, it’s a whole different ball game arguing with the heart!

Its not too hard for me to ‘be myself’, instinctively do the idiosyncratic things that come to mind, be my eccentric self and wave my fist (or finger) at the old world that I intend to leave in the dust. But the other side is hard to ignore, my ‘roots’, where I came from, my kin..

I, like many from my generation and locale, have been ingrained with a certain sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, what is acceptable (by society?), and what is not. After years of not knowing a world beyond this invisible fence, I was tossed into this other world. I have been through the phases, few familiar, many alien.. awestruck wonder, caution, suspicion, bravado, invincibility (didn’t last too long), vulnerability, frustration. But I have come to accept the ways of this new world and with it the receipt of its perks and recognition of its pitfalls.

Abruptly, I find myself at the crossroads again. The two worlds collide. It would seem that the wisdom of these worlds is at odds. I choose to live my life as is my wont, and I stand to antagonize the principals of the old world. I couldn’t live with that. I give up my newly developed ideals and return to the values of yore, and I fear that I may look over my shoulder in regret someday. I couldn’t live with that.

Where is this middle ground, this unseen egress to the quicksand that entraps me? When will this war end?

TrustNo1

2005-04-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine would use a password for some of his accounts: ‘trustno1’. My raised eyebrow on learning this was answered with a brief homily on how he never trusts anyone, and how he is better off by not trusting even his close friends so that way he would never be disappointed in them. Hmm.. Interesting that he trusts no one, considering the fact that I learned of the ‘trustno1’ password coz he GAVE it to me!

Perhaps there are degrees of trust, I could trust someone with a password to my blog account, but would take my email password to the grave.
And there are rational reasons to trust. I would trust what my scholarly math professor would have to say about a random complex postulate, but would not care much for my English professors opinion about it, no matter how well intentioned.

Then there is faith. If I thought this English prof was the smartest man ever born, for whatever reason, I would simply have faith that would make his words supersede the more qualified and logical physics prof.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t know where I am going with this either ;). It just bothers my mind very often as to how much trust we can place in a person or how much faith to have in someone. There are those who have just stood by me without much ado, and I have no motive to distrust them.. in fact the issue of faith and trust have never really arisen. To the others, who have received my unwavering faith, no questions asked, but have changed colors at the most inopportune moment, I must say: ‘Thank you, you have taught me well. You can even have your knife back now, let me just turn around and you can yank it out from my back… just where you left it.’

For now, I shall just remain myself, gullible as ever, till my scars wake me up.. every time.

Trust (tr st):
Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Faith (f th)
Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.
Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

Silent Scream

2005-04-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

Up at sunrise, I don my daily garb
Pick that coat, pull up these shoes
And slip on my cheery face..

Through the daily grind I grin
Nary a frown, no wrinkle of worry
The mask maintains is façade of bliss

Your thoughts nag you, my ears are yours
You lie enervated, I lend you my shoulder
The world engulfs you, but I am your rock
Is that a tear? My sleeve shall wipe it

At dusk I’m weary, my face is as stoic
As I peel it off, my drained emotions erupt
I lie down alone, a silent scream rings out
Why do you presume, with no thought after
A listener, a crutch, a rock, I may be
So all I get are the rants, the questions, the anguish?

Unwrap me and touch me, my second skin contorts
I take it all into my abyss, but where do I vent?
At last it has worn me, slowly I drift away
To waken the next morn, and slip on my face..

I stole my own words!

2005-04-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Oh, I have innumerable thoughts, nearly all of them outstanding, I assure you! They come to me as I toss in bed, as I battle a throng of automobiles to and from work, as I focus hard on a scribbled sketch in my book to keep from dozing off in those interminable meetings, and the best of them come to me as I mechanically go through the motions of my morning ablutions. ;)
But when I sit my butt down to put all those words flitting through my head on to this blog.. I draw a blank! It never fails!
But I’m a smart ass, no no.. I mean metaphorically too, so I’ve been busy commenting on other blogs all this while. Yup, I fooled the system. And now, I’m just going to plug in all those snippets in here (Thank you ideasmithy, I owe you rent for these comments from your blog ;).
Disjointed, haphazard, they did make sense where they came from, but now they are just random rants..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Voilence erupts from your wrath,
Destruction ensues from your ire
Dare I speak this to the face of your fury,
Incensed you are, you enrapture me still

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who are you? What question do you answer?
Hard I stare, yet the clouds yield no face for me,
I touch my shoulder, and I clasp emptiness
No wings nor hooves, not even an entity
Alas, I am to break my own silence
And crave for an echo as I scream,
Who are you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You look on as they slip away,
With sadness in your eyes, a frown on your brow,
A bewildered pain on your face.

As doors they slam, they drown the sound
Of the nervous knock behind you
Why stare despondent at the exit?

Whirl around just once, and open your doors to me
Never again, I promise, will you see another leave

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Foggy Mornin..

2005-04-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

Its blue, its cold, I’m wretched, and alone.
The knocking.. where is that from? Ah! My knees! No wait.. my teeth?
What lunacy drove me to the brink of this I have no idea, but I have come this far and I will not turn back.. I think..
No, it can be done, it has been done, it will be done. Now.
And so I fill my lungs with air, and leap through the wind. As my arms slice through the water, my breath gushes out and I wonder if I will ever get used to swimming at daybreak.

Moon Shine

2005-04-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

It’s a full moon today, couldn’t help but pull out my camera and try once again to capture in pixels all that my eye can see. As always, in vain.

Dark winter skies, lucid as crystal streams
Ensnare my gaze to an obscure world beyond
A flame in me seeks out the full moon
And guides me through infinity, into the abyss of thoughts

It never ceases to fascinate me, the full moon...

What am I doing here?

2005-04-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING? I have never even maintained my own diary or journal! What drove me to this? Granted, I’ve been meddling with anything the tech-heads in the world of computers would consider cool, which maybe makes me a geek.. that’s no bad thing. I’ve never been an early adapter of any novel gadget, fad or habit that hits the market – I built my first computer years after I opened my first computer theory book, played my first video game aeons after my ilk crowed about how they ran amok through all levels of Doom & Mario, and I don’t yet own an iPod!

Blogging has knocked on my doors before. But ME? Write? Express myself? Open up to the cruel cruel world? NEVER.. I thought. But the convenience of the internet also made way for the anonymity of the web world, and it’s so calming to cling on to fictional security blankets.A little.. or more than a little.. prodding helped, and I say why not!? I’m no author, I’m no bard. But this is no novel, no work of art. Rambling, Raving, Ranting, Venting. I can do this!

If your blog has the banal name of 'SoleSearch' the first post has got to be titled 'First Post'

2005-04-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

Little doubt that this post is taking shape only to test blogspots' claims that posts can actually be deleted. But after a sudden whiff of inspiration shoved me to actually create a blog at long last, the least I should do is throw in a few words so my SoleSearch would never really be a void.